Exit Interview

Where a recently deceased man is given his mortal life exit interview

“Hello and welcome to the afterlife!”

“Uh… hi. Nice to meet you.”

“We’re here, of course, to conduct your exit interview.”

“You do those?”

“Yes, of course! So— how would you say you enjoyed your life, overall?”

“Well… it had its ups and downs, for sure.”

“Any major grievances?”

“Yes, plenty.”

“What was the biggest?”

“Probably the suffering of children.”

“Hmmm… you were bothered by that?”

“Of course.”

“Well, that’s ok, we do get that a lot.”

“So, why don’t you change it?”

“Change it?”

“Wait— what’s the point of this exit interview?”

“To get a sense of what people think of life, and to see how we might improve it.”

“Ok… So if everyone says child suffering is a problem, why not change it?”

“Well, it’s more complicated than that, you must understand. A lot of paperwork and—”

“Too much paperwork? To end child suffering?”

“I knew you’d understand! You’re smart. You were a great accountant, after all. Anyway, moving on… did you feel like you were listened to during your mortal life? Were your prayers answered acceptably?”

“Well, no. Not really. I prayed for an end to the suffering of many, and rarely did it happen.”

“Hmmm… not true. Not true at all. It says right here that everyone that you prayed for, to have an end to their suffering, has either died, or is set to die shortly.”

“Well, that’s not exactly what I meant.”

“You really can’t blame us for that.”

“I… I can’t believe God could be like this.”

“God? What ever gave you the idea that this had anything to do with him?

“You just asked me about prayer. I prayed to God, every day! Isn’t he in charge of the afterlife?”

“With all due respect sir, it says here that you never once prayed to God.”

“What? I did!”

“You may have said “God” but I assure you not one of those prayers were to God.’

“This makes no sense. How else would I pray to him?”

“Not from your lips but from your ‘heart’.” He made mocking air quotes when he said this last word. “And no, God is not in charge of the afterlife. He… well he doesn’t have much patience for good, honest meetings like this. He just takes his lot and breaks them out of our fine system. A damn rebel. Very disorderly. And, I’m sorry to say, we haven’t yet patched this error in our system. But don’t worry, we’re working on it! Just give us time and make sure to vote for the candidate that you think will best help us accomplish this task.”

“You have elections?”

“It’s the foundation of our society!”

The man gazed around at what appeared to be an ugly office building, it looked a lot like his work, and he felt a sudden overwhelming dread. 

“I went to church, every Sunday...”

“Ah yes, but no worries. We overlook such idiosyncrasies. At the end of the day you were one of us. You believed in our world, in the dream of people overcoming disagreeable annoyances, with a calm and measured pragmatism.”

“Dear God… What have I done?”

The man wept, but not like he had done on rare occasions in his life. These tears came from a deeper place. A place that hurt much more.

”Dear God...” he wept further. “I’m sorry.”

A shining hand appeared suddenly, as if reaching from behind an invisible curtain, and grabbed his hand, pulling him into the hidden world beyond.

“Damnit! There goes another one. We’ve really gotta patch this bug.” The man turned to the corner desk, where HR was located. “Hey Dale! We lost another one!”

Dale just shook his head and sighed. “If we can only get Bill Johnson elected. He’ll fix this. For good, I reckon.”